I’m giving advice today–maybe because I’ve been confined to my house with two young pukers for 5 days and I feel feisty, or maybe to address a long standing pet-peeve of mine. Whether leaving a comment on a blog, or responding to a person with words in real life, I present some examples of how to talk to your family and friends like a compassionate human being…
Say someone says: I am struggling. I am an alcoholic. I am going to stop drinking today.
Compassionate response: Sorry your are having a difficult time, we are all addicted to something. I have issues with jai alai, but I don’t feel ready to talk about that right now. It has made my life unlivable. Cheers! (I mean cheering for you, of course…oops)
Clumsy, but compassionate!
Lame response: REALLY? NO WAY. SERIOUS??? I CANT EVEN IMAGINE! That must be so hard if I could begin to imagine having that or any problem, and I will always be your best friend out of everyone. You can always count on me. First. Call me first. Because I am best at being friends.
Say someone says: My marriage sucks right now.
Compassionate response: Marriage is hard. Dude. I get it. Let’s plan a girl’s night.
Lame response: REALLY? NO WAY. SERIOUS?? I LOVE MY HUSBAND. HE IS SO HOT AND SEXY TO ME AFTER 20 YEARS, I NEED TO SHUT THIS BABY DOWN PRONTO! call me if you need some tips! But not for the next hour HEE HEEE HEEEEE!
Say someone says: I have writer’s block and I think I suck globally.
Compassionate response: I love your writing. You could write me your grocery list and I would ROFLOTAEBO across my recroom. I have faith in you.
Lame response: REALLY? NO WAY. SERIOUS?? I NEVER GET BLOCKED EVER. I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN THE SPEWING PROMPTS. Want one? I’m good like that. So sorry you are not!!
Say someone says: I am totally zitting out. Beyond the Thunderdome zitting out.
Compassionate response: In 10 years you will have way less wrinkles than all your porcelain-skinned compadres. Acne is the new moisturizer!
Nausea-inducing, but compassionate!
Lame response: REALLY? NO WAY. SERIOUS? That must be so hard for someone like you. I really have no advice for someone with zits, as I have ever contemplated the issue of acne. Bummer. Must be nasty. Ewwwww.
Okay. One last example
Say someone says: I feel like a horrible mother today.
Compassionate response: Want to talk about it? Let me lock my kids in the bathroom and I’ll call you right back.
Understandable AND compassionate!
Lame response: REALLY? THAT MUST BE A TERRIBLE FEELING. HOW I CANT IMAGINE! WHEN I AM DONE ROLLING DOWN THE HILLS WITH MY TRIPLETS, FINISHING OUR DAILY SAC RACES, AND CHURNING THE BUTTER AS WE MADRIGAL, I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR TORTURED SOUL!
Thank you. I hope I’ve contributed to your day. Perhaps next week I will cover “What not to say to your wife about her hair: Anything referencing the movie Spinal Tap”
Stay Tuned!!
And this is why I love you. Forget Dear Abby…you gotta start Dear Anne…
This should be required reading.
Yes! Should be required reading.
EL. OH. EL.
Ann…wow, just wow.
the brutal truth is brutally funny.
Or when your kids have been puking for 5 days and I say “Want me to DROP something off at your house and run?”
Glad I reminded you of this post. Eek.
Thinking happy healthy non-puking thoughts for you all.
YOUR KIDS HAVE BEEN PUKING?!? NO WAY!! THAT SUCKS! I would give you advice but as I keep an entirely germ-free house and practice safe hand-washing habits while we sing hymns together, I don’t really know what to say?!?!
Ellie. Oh Ellie.
SHE STOLE MY COMMENT.
And YOU? hit the nail on the frigging head.
REALLY? NO WAY? SERIOUS?!? My kids only puke money and best-selling book ideas! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
NO WAY! REALLY? SERIOUS???? You have followers who leave lame comments?
I don’t.
Of course they don’t leave any comments whatsoever, but they must all be refraining from leaving lame ones. . .right?
It appears at least half of society doesn’t know the right thing to say at any given time. I’m guilty of that myself but hopefully not in such an awkward, rude way. At least people are being “accidentally” insulting instead of on purpose! That should count for something! 🙂
Keep up the good work and come & give advice on my blog post about how to make the most of your time!
I started a local moms group for exactly that last reason. I just wanted some other moms who tried and failed and tried again. And then maybe chose to fail because they needed to tweet something hilarious. But THEN tried.
OMG! Are you SERIOUS??? I am going to make your husband dress up as a hobbit and dance around Stonehenge while singing a madrigal about how awesome a mother and wife you are.
I was totally holding it together until the “churning butter” comment. You’re a riot. (See, I’m totally good at giving compassionate compliments).
I am a little reluctant to comment, but I hope that the only kind of puking tomorrow will bring is unicorns barfing rainbows.
Now I am ROFLOTAEBO across my living room! I think.
Oh and I haven’t thought of jai alai in like 20 years.
I didn’t mean to say that you/we are old by that 20 year comment. You are definitely not!
Right on, my dear. Nail on the head type-stuff, and it should be required reading as another commenter suggested.
Oh, and for the record? I never, ever churn butter when I sing madrigals. Too dangerous, you could lose an eye…
So when my husband said I looked like the elephant man when I had shingles he wasn’t being compassionate? Bummer.
Loved this post!
Sorry about the puke.
Wow, do you have people in your life who don’t know how to respond?? That’s so unfortunate. I know nothing about that because I only keep company with motivational speakers and therapists.
Honestly, the lame responses were like a transcript of my interactions with a college roommate.
I’m going to tell your husband to only call you a Joan Jett – Mary Louise Parker hybrid.
Funny, but scary, too.
I think I’ve said some of those things without thinking…and I’m not talking about the good ones, either.
I needed to read this.
Next time, I’ll take a deep breath and think before I spout off.
It’s so easy to not think of another’s feelings, we are so sinful that way.
Thanks for the much needed cold bucket of water in the face…I shamefully recognized myself in a few of those.
Ugh, I can’t even think of anything witty. I’m sorry you have pukers!! That’s the absolute worst and if I tease you about it, I’ll get a call that one of my girls hurled on her classmates within the hour! I don’t mess with karma.
This is perfect. Because compassion is usually all we’re looking for anyways.
‘Acne is the new moisturizer’ – thank god. I might not be in as much trouble as I thought.
Also, I might forward this to my son’s preschool teacher, an expert in the Bitch Response. And the Bully Response. I would LOVE it if she could take it down a notch to the Lame Response.
Maybe you could give that advice to my husband. He is master at the lame response. For example, this morning, when I told him I was worried I wasn’t cut out for motherhood, he AGREED and told me to get some therapy.
(just kidding, he just kinda shrugged his shoulders and belched.)
I loved this and lock my children in the bathroom daily. But remove the razors first, because I am awesome like that.
I love “acne is the new moisturizer!” Funny stuff.
Am entranced by your use of caps. Particularly “CHURNING BUTTER WHILE WE MADRIGAL”. It’s capitalized phrases like this that make me love you.
You are awesome, and the next time I feel the need to lock myself in my office away from my kids or my husband, I am totally calling you for a response to my crisis.
Yeah, see, this is why my default setting has been “lame” for, well, forever.
Excellent.
XO
A.
Omg, you are way too hilarious. I have tonic water coming out of my nose. DIET tonic water, because I am so portly. As always,signed, your biggest fan.
Please tell me you locked your kids in the bathroom while you wrote this.
I mean…they’re puking right? (sorry btw)
hmmm…maybe I should rethink this whole “i want to be a mother” thing.
You used jai alai and madrigal in the same post? You’ve totally outdone yourself here.
Also, the next time I’m in a funk, I will be sucking “globally.”
Love this.
“Acne is the new moisturizer”. I am hanging on, clinging to that.
I see ‘Ann’s Rants’ everywhere and thought I have to come check her out…in the most appropriate way of course. Funny, funny post.