Budget Crisis: God Lets People Go

Shopping the Passover aisles with God last week, God told me everyone needs to sacrifice in these tough times. God Let The People Go.

“No really I mean it this time.” God said. God started singing and doing jazz-squares in the aisle, “Go on now Go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now, ‘cuz you’re not welcome anymore…”

I asked God to please settle down and use an inside voice, at which point God explained to me over a sample cup of Mango Lemonade, that “my people did not have time to bake kosher-for-Passover gluten-free chow mein noodles and strap them to their backs anyways, Yaaaaw.”

Then God sampled the Croque Monssieur. God even asked for a second one, and the clerk said no.

God said “I AM THE LORD WHO LED YOU OUT OF EGYPT TO BE YOUR GOD AND THIS IS SUPER YUMMY!”

The clerk said okay fine.

Then God would not stop nagging me, so I let God have a fruit leather, and God tossed the wrapper. I said “God we’d better hold on to that. Fruit leather isn’t free you know, God.”

God got up in my face about my avoidance of gender pronouns, and then I noticed the five-fingered ring that said PL@GUE$. God waived PL@GUE$ toward Floral and the rosemary topiary burst into flames. God stood on a tower of canned chili and proclaimed the following cuts for Monday night’s Seder:

1. One glass of wine instead of four 
2. Two plagues: “Kung Zhu Pets and Trader Joe’s shelf-stable curried Tuna” and God started laughing pretty hard.
3. You may recline, but only with one cheek.

God was really getting going, and then a child ran into God’s shin with his mini cart, and God eliminated afikoman prizes entirely explaining

“The afikoman was intended as a bargaining tool to reward children after four hours of sitting on their tuchases, but thanks to the 30-minute Haggadah, these corrupt mini-minions need a sugar fix before we’ve even gotten to my four sons. When the children demand an afikoman prize, serve them the gefilte fish they refused the first time around.”

I wanted God to calm down, so I offered God a coffee. God did not want interruption, and God is caffeine-free.

God continued “Don’t wait up for Elijah neither. Traveling door to door just isn’t going to happen this year. Elijah really wants to check out my GMC Yukon XL, anyways. Start 99 Bottles of Had Gad Ya early and take it loo-oong.”

When God said loo-oong God pretended to rev a motorcycle.

God started walking toward the parking lot and I asked “Are you mad at us God? Are we still your chosen people? Next Year in Jerusalem, right?”

God shrugged. “It’s all about the budget, babe.” He got in his GMC Yukon XL. The rims started spinning and God disappeared.