My networking tips you probably shouldn’t miss

Last night I went to a networking event and tomorrow I leave for a conference. If  I’ve learned one thing from sitting in front of a screen all day it’s how to network. There is an art to making small talk and it doesn’t always involve a blank stare due right of your schmoozee’s forehead, paired with a barely-audible hummed version of ‘Your Body is a Wonderland.’

So if you’ve ever found yourself alone with only your name tag and shiny forehead, I’m here. Please do find my networking tips below. For free! All that I ask is an air quote citation with each and every use.

1. Glom on! If some lady in the elevator says “I think we know each other” the answer is always yes. She becomes your new best friend and you are no longer attending said event solo. This also works with vaguely familiar acquaintances—upon seeing one another you immediately enter into a BFFFN (Best Friends Forever For Now) contract. Find your BFFFN early. We’ll refer to her as GirlZero. Establish a pattern—go get your nametag, return to GirlZero. Go get a chicken drumette, return to GirlZero. Do a pit check, shrug/wink at GirlZero. See? You’re bonding already!

**Advanced networking modification: Sometimes you need to become someone else’s GirlZero. Beginners do not attempt this. Try lingering by the registration desk or the bar, asking guests if they have any gum or mints while fanning your mouth, because “Dude..Gyros.” The person who gives you gum? Girl/BoyZero! You have so much in common already–you both now have gum.

If GirlZero disappears, she probably went to the powder room to friend you on facebook. She just feels too shy to start tandem smart phoning. YET. Start thinking of your song, so you can charm her with it upon her return. Your song with GirlZero should capture your relationship and connection so far and your shared memories of the last 1.7 minutes (hint: anything by Jennifer Love Hewitt).

Actually, sing it now—this party needs something, doesn’t it?

Come on shake your body baby do that conga I know you can’t control yourself any longa!

2. In networking situations anything is networkable: lipstick shades (kiss yours on the back of their palm), The Weather Is Always Fascinating, or the standard how uncomfortable we felt watching Barbara Streisand saying Kundalini in Meet The Fockers.

Beginners: you can always use my pocket tricks from my ad sales days “Seen any good movies lately?” “Where ya from!” or “Got any vacations planned?” The challenge here is not letting your eyes roll back in your head and your tongue lay slack down right from your mouth as you hear the response.

Warning: Definitely do not mock people with your sockpuppet (you brought your sock puppet, right?) God knows everyone loves a ventriloquist, and you can bring Peter Jennings out after drink three. Same with your origami fortune teller with the Bobby Trendy quotes–patience–don’t blow your wad just yet!

Note: if at any point your smile feels a little too tight, take your free hand and do a once, twice, three times mime happy/sad face pass. Not only do your feel lighter, but everyone loves mime.

3. The baguette banquette* is your friend. See that group engaged over in the conversational sofa arrangement? I guarantee no one will mind when you butt them over with a loud “Scooch!” Don’t let the awkward silence that follows deter you. Origami fortune teller, NOW.

4. Finally, you need a signature move. You want people to remember you right? Sure you can leave a card, but why not leave a lasting impression? Do like my old gym teacher Mr. Marks—don’t just shake hands, tickle the other person with your little finger as you shake hands. Surprise, Stranger! A rhyming tagline makes a nice finish, or a spritely heel click (but that’s my signature flourish and I’m afraid you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription to utilize it).

Now if you’ve lost your GirlZero along the way, make sure to cross the room and give her a big hug before you leave. Or dip her. Remember…signature move. Most important, ask for a doggie bag for the leftover tuna tartare spoons. What? No one’s even eating them, and girl you KNOW you can play those spoons on your way out.

See you on the baguette banquette! ::Clicks heels::

*ahem…thanks Rene