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My Ready, Set, Go! Back To School Conference

    Ann, what do you like to do when you’re at school with your children?

    I enjoy singing and dancing. I wish it wouldn’t make my boys cover their ears and weep. I also love cuddling. I wish it didn’t require a full-nelson. I especially love eating my children’s scraps and then having to explain later that I ate them (again) while they cry. Just kidding. You know what’s fun? Listening to myself sound like a drill sargent, but without the catchy marching cadences. I actually do enjoy catchy marching cadences. For instance:

    Sound-off; 1 – 2; Turn that Sound-off; 3 – 4; TURN. THAT. GOD. DAMN. Sound off! 3-4!!

    and

    I know a boy his name is Joe, and he doesn’t have a wii either plus his mom has never let him eat candy in his entire life so quit complaining you ingrates because they have an extra bedroom you could share.

    Ann, what do you like to do when you are not at school with your children?

    I used to read and write quite a bit, but now I like to cradle my laptop and stream consecutive episodes of Friday Night Lights. I love to run, but that is a lie. I enjoy spending time with my husband when he is available—about fifteen minutes every so often.

    What things are you good at in school with your children?

    I’m excellent at keeping my mouth full of food or beverages all day long. I’m very descriptive at being tired. I’m good at remembering to cut my kids’ gnome nails by the time they can type on my laptop from across the room.

    What things would you like to get better at?

    I would like to get better at having goals for my children when I’m asked about my goals for my children at the Ready, Set, Go! conference.

    Are you excited for school?

    Does Jesus wear strappy sandals?

    ###

    Blacklisted

    Speaking of Back-to-School, I’m hosting a giveaway for a copy of Lela Davidson’s very funny collection of essays “Blacklisted By the PTA.” I had the pleasure of meeting Lela at the BlogHer’11 LTYM Open Mic Salon where she killed with her hysterical reading of “Thanks for the Whore Barbie”

    Leave a comment by 5:00 pm CST Wednesday 8/31 answering the question “If Whore Barbie had a pull-string what would she say?” and Lela will pick a winner TBA next week.

    0 thoughts on “My Ready, Set, Go! Back To School Conference”

    2. Wendi

      Gnome nails. Trademark it now because we’re selling that shit to Lee Press On. Oh yes we ARE.

      (And I’m lucky to have my very own copy of Lela’s funny book already.)

    6. Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog

      Ok. So I skipped over here ANYWAY even though you didn’t coddle me and answer on Twitter and I am SO GLAD For these reasons:

      1. You so funny
      2. You make me feel all shimmery inside.
      C. I have been ASKING AND ASKING people where to find Lela and nobody knew! And now I have a LINKY DINK!!! Thank you!

      Wait. Did you ask a question? I am not going back up to reread and then scrolling down and THEN scrolling BACK up to get Lela’s link. So my answer (if you asked a question) is: Charlemagne.

    8. The Empress

      This. So clever and funny, and original and why didn’t I think of that?

      I loved this.

      Esp. the good at a mouthful of snacks.

      You take it out of the regular formula, Ann. I love that.

      I want Lela’s book, but it takes me awhile to bounce back after I read a really, really funny post.

      So, I’ll have to come back, when I’m more clear headed and not thinking, “dang…I Have got to get to be this funny.”

    9. Elizabeth @claritychaos

      I’m with Alexandra. Ann, you are one funny, creative lady.

      And we need to get lunch once the kidlets are back in school. I can cut out of work for an hour with a bit of notice, so get out your calendar!

    13. The Flying Chalupa

      She would obviously say, “My mouth grill does not contain blood diamonds” but it would sound like “WA-WOU-WA-WA-WO-WUNTAIN-WUD-WIMONDS.”

      And also, the Chalupa cried yesterday when someone (I don’t know who) ate all of his bunny graham snacks.

      Damn Snack Monster.

    14. Heidi

      Ha! Gnome nails. That’s Ben. His nails grow so fast it’s creepy.
      This post is awesome.
      Oh, and I am a huge fan of FNL! Huge. Tami…the Coach…Tim Riggins…the finest people on TV.

    17. Seeking Elevation

      You crack me up. “But that is a lie.” That’s funny.

      What would Barbie say? She’d likely say something like, “I’m pretty sure breast reductions are covered on my insurance policy. Do you mind checking for me, because my back is fucking killing me.”

    22. MommyTime

      She would say, “It’s $50 extra if your underwear are removable.” She’d be thinking, “Ken, I’m sorry for you and your stamped-on perma-undies.”

      Also, I really really need this book because I’ve been working on a book called “Dating the PTA” (where “working on” means I talk about the idea a lot with friends of mine who also are on the PTA B-list, and we all think the book concept is great, and after two glasses of wine, we have FANTASTIC ideas for the essays it will contain, but then when we’re sober, we’re too busy chauffeuring our kids to baseball practice and grading our students’ paper actually to write the book, but someday…oh, someday…)

    29. Jamie

      “I’m very descriptive at being tired.” Too funny. Please pass some other phrases my way. I’ve grown sick of my own “I’m tireds” over and over.

    30. Yuliya

      Whore Barbie is unable to talk right now for reasons too inappropriate to list on this blog.

      But perhaps there’s a soundtrack…”you can brush my hair, undress me everywheeeerreee, life in plastic it’s fantastic”

      I apologize for being a child of the 90’s