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A Prayer for Anthropologie

     

    Our Father who art in the Anthropologie clearance section, hear my prayer.

    Give me strength to know kimono jumpsuit from gaucho clownpant & the wisdom to avoid both.

    Lead me not to the flowers giving birth to flowers celebrating with yet more flowers shrug.

    Deliver me from “whimsy” dear Lord, and please whisper a cautionary “tablecloth” in turn.

    Remind me of the unintentional-dickey debacle of tunic 2008. Guide me from anything resembling a pinafore. This chin needs no decorative lobster bib accent, Dear God. You made my chin. I shouldn’t have to tell you.

    If a frock calls for a matching bonnet, Lord on High, please give me a sign–like that one time you sent a guy to yell at me to get my Holly Hobby ass out of his parking space.  And if I ever use the word “frock” out loud, smite me Almighty, for I know not what I speak.

    Release me from ruffles, as they only lead to a pigeon-chested bloomered baby-butt where two breasts once reclined.

    Also,image

    Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow because maybe I’m rocking a soothsayer turban and that is not okay. Don’t walk behind me, or I might get too jaunty with a Feline Fedora.

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    Just walk beside me and be my friend and tell me if this this newsboy makes my head look like a twist cone.

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    Your kingdom come, your will be done. On earth as it is in heaven—in either case I probably should not wear anything resembling an Obi Wan cape. Lead me not into jester prints. Deliver me from frills-on-hips skirts.

    Now I lay me down in a dressing room heap, I pray the lord my dignity to keep. If I die before I wake, I won’t be surprised because I can’t get out of this wrap sweater coat dress potholder anyway.

    Amen.

    0 thoughts on “A Prayer for Anthropologie”

    1. Andrea

      Somewhere along the line istarted to wonder if the great deals on the clearance ranks really were too good to be true! WHY were those “treasures” still there? Certainly they could be jazzed up, but I am I’ll-equipped to perform such magic. I hope you didn’t have to wear the sweater dress home!

    4. Tara @ dumpyourfrump.com

      I thought, at first glance the turban was in fact one of those old timey ice bags that people in black and white movies donned when they had a terrific hangover. Which would actually make that monstrosity useful. Oh silly Anthropologie, there’s whimsical and then there’s what the fuck.

    7. Nichole

      This line left me in tears, “I can’t get out of this wrap sweater coat dress potholder anyway.”

      The last time I was in Anthropologie, it was right before BlogHer. I had grand visions of finding the perfect shirt for my favorite jeans. I tried on a top that felt more like a straightjacket once i had it on and I had a mini panic attack as I thrashed about to get it off.

      I think I’m still suffering from PTSD from the experience.

    12. Brutalism

      Amen. (From the woman who owns denim gauchos and after wearing them once and feeling like an idiot, not donating them because I am convinced that they are too hip (?!) and the right occasion will present itself. So far, that has been a “dress like a pirate” party… >sigh<)

    17. Becky

      OH MY Lord in heaven, this was brilliant! I so don’t understand Anthropologie and so glad I’m not the only one.

      p.s. I did get you that feline hat for Hanukah. Awkward.

    18. alexinmadison

      It’s the clown pants I can’t abide. Honestly, if you’re not a 5’11” size two, every pair of pants at Anthropologie looks ridiculous. I will, however, defend the many glorious dresses I’ve bought from there as well as the odd gorgeous sweater.

    22. Christy @ cat fur to make kitten britches

      I have tears in my eyes from “wrap sweater coat dress potholder”! But also? I feel so much better after reading this, and all of the comments that go with it. I don’t get Anthropologie at all, but I always chalked it up to being hopelessly un-hip. Perhaps the problem is *theirs* and not mine, though, and I share a wider audience of other Anthro-confused women? Also, you didn’t mention the ridiculous amount of money they charge for this…..fashion. That’s a whole lot of tithe money going to clown pants. Just sayin’…..

    24. Headless Mom

      I think they only make that stuff for 6’1″ bohemian girls that live in Hollywood. Looks cute in the catalog but on the rest of us it just looks like we raided our mother’s hope chest full of ill-advised 60’s home ec project rejects.

    29. The Flying Chalupa

      I thought the first line was the best. And then I got to the second. And the third.

      One of your laugh-out-loud pieces, Ann.

      I always leave Anthropologie feeling like a fat Laura Ingalls with a starring role in Barnum & Bailey.

    34. Becky

      I just read this again because work is VERY busy this morning…
      and this is my all time favorite Ann’s Rants line:
      Now I lay me down in a dressing room heap, I pray the lord my dignity to keep. If I die before I wake, I won’t be surprised because I can’t get out of this wrap sweater coat dress potholder anyway.

      Amen.

    37. Joanna Jenkins

      I hear you. Everything at Anthropologie looks better on the displays than it does on me.
      You should send this to the store’s buyers so they know the torture they put us through 🙂
      xo jj

    40. Lady Jennie

      This is so funny. Someone actually called you Holly Hobby? I don’t think I’ve been to Anthropolgie unless it existed in NYC in the 90’s. Considering my naturally bad taste in clothing I definitely need to steer clear.

    42. Miri

      Oy vey! That was one of your best yet Ann. It caused me to do my “supressed laughter” move where I have to choke on my laugh since I am in the cubicle world. My favorite line was “Lord on High, please give me a sign–like that one time you sent a guy to yell at me to get my Holly Hobby ass out of his parking space.”

    43. Kelley

      Haha!! This was good! I am laughing at your “Holly Hobby” ass. A lot. Hahaha!! I’m only laughing b/c I looked just like Holly Hobby back in the day & had a Holly Hobby bedroom.

    46. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him

      Deliver me from “whimsy” dear Lord, and please whisper a cautionary “tablecloth” in turn.

      I LOVE THIS LINE. But the rest are so good too.

      I want to toast you. With little mismatched vintage teacups that have an S on it. Because they were out of A. But I needed that shit anyway.

    48. Jessica

      You had me at dickey. I think I’ve been on your blog for an hour now, you are hilarious. This post is my favorite of the fifty I have just read so I will comment here. Thanks for being my Friday night entertainment.