1. Shop only the perimeter! Kids love a nice rutabaga on pumpernickel.
2. Buy organic! Conventional apples are on sale for $2.00 per three-pound bag, but have more poison on them than Snow White’s famous fruit (the apple, not Bashful). Organic Cameos, Pink Ladies, and Mickey Rooneys cost only as much as Tic Tacs per pound and come fresh, directly from a cold storage locker 1600 miles away in Carbon Footprint, CA.
3. Buy seasonal! Winter apples taste as apple-y as jicama, and if you don’t know what jicama is you obviously haven’t spent your time in the perimeter. Go for the grapefruit. What kid doesn’t love a good pound of acid in his gut?
4. Buy local! Leave your big-butted station wagon at home and wait until spring to buy local apples. Go apple picking! Spend $5 a pound and $67 on caramel-corn-haunted-barn-maze, only to realize that the delicious local apples may or may not have 67 pesticides on them.
5. Juice Sparingly! The Devil’s playground for gingivitis and child obesity, 100% juice merits 100% caution. Buy the kind with hidden veggies and extra water. Extra water is worth paying a premium for! Avoid the wasteful packaging of juice boxes. Avoid the frozen concentrate because GOD KNOWS WHERE THOSE APPLES ARE FROM (see item 2.) and apple juice is the Kevin Bacon of frozen juice—prolific and snappy.
6. Consider Your Meat! Hmmm…Tasty but how was it raised? Which clique did your meat hang with? If Mr. Turkey Breast looks like he came off of Hanz und Franz, check for chest hairs. Deli needs to be consumed within 3 days, and if you really want to be safe from listeria you need to nuke those ham-WetNaps before serving. DON’T NUKE ANYTHING PLASTIC. DON’T NUKE. DON’T PLASTIC.
7. NOTHING NON-STICK, NEITHER! You don’t want to Final Countdown with this kind of heavy metal.
8. Throw all the things out of your home.
9. Order in. Just this once. Again.
I fed these people dinner last night, so thanks for the reminder that they’ll want dinner again tonight! Ugh.
Ah! Love it!!
This is why I only keep Diet Coke and wine in the fridge like Naomi Campbell.
HeeHee!
You would fit right in if you lived in Berkeley. But you would have to go without glutton, meat or dairy. Soy is also the enemy. Brown rice and organic veggies baby!
I’m buying a friggin’ apple tree.
Diet Coke, baby! It’s the only thing in our fridge that’s mine.
Did you just make a dwarf gay joke? My love for you grows and grows…
Yes! Every flowchart I make always leads to “order in,” too!
I’m cool with it.
XO
A.
The other night my teen was in hysterics after listening me talk to her dad about dinner plans. I was going out with friends (obviously, because that’s the mom I am) and he asked, “What should I do about dinner?” and I answered, very slowly, “Well, the store has burritos.” For some reason my kid thought that was a knee slapper, but I was totally serious. Was I supposed to leave dinner in the oven or something? What EVER. I’m just gonna show him this flow chart next time.
As much as I love shopping, I hate food shopping because YOU CAN’T WEAR IT.
Thank God we have 2 apple trees in the backyard. That is SO local. It’s difficult in winter but there’s nothing wrong with frozen apples off the ground. Dig out of snow, thaw, smash up, eat. It’s an easy flow chart.
I have often come home from grocery shopping and wished I had thought ahead to pick up ORGANIC fast food. Or just food. Or a maid. I’m tired.
I love you for many reasons, not the least of which are your flow charts. All charts, and all roads, should lead to Ordering In.
Fine! You convicted me! I’ll buy organic! My sister is a vegetarian and harps on these things a lot. (Also, I do know about jicama. I’m so proud of myself!)
Okay, I’m laughing so hard at Wendi’s comment!
Yes to the ordering out. Again. Tonight I was too lazy to get in my car to even do that…because, you know, I’d have to pick up the food which means I have to get in and out of my car. And I’d have to talk to people. No way. So, it was bagels tonight. My kids are so lucky to have me.
I sure like you, Ann.
I seriously love your flow charts.
I will never look at a turkey breast the same again. Unless I have tweezers.
I worry about people that honestly do spend so much time considering their apples.
And now I want to eat Chipotle. It has no real correlation to your flow chart except:
flow chart about ordering out –> I shouldn’t do that so often its too $$ —> tastes so good. —-> I should eat lunch out —> mmm Chipotle.
I find that if I skip the steps with the bra-donning and the Moses basket, I still end up ordering out; but I’m much less prone to cursing.
p.s. I always KNEW Bashful was my favorite.
Mickey Rooneys, Carbon Footprint, Ca, so many hilarious gems hidden in here, Ann – too many to count. I’ve spent my time on the perimeter, oh yes, and I do love my pumpernickel, but I’ll leave the grapefruit to my grandmother, god rest her soul.
HOWEVER – ordering in is always the answer. That and grinding coffee.
Spend 167 on hummus, exactly.
I go through this same flow chart – complete with whole cranial annihilation – every week I have snack duty at school.
You got this flowchart through some Vulcan mind meld.
It’s all right…great minds and all.
Great minds always order out.
ALways. (because we’re busy *creating*)
I forgot to wear a bra to the grocery the other day. I realized it when I was checking out and the elderly man cashier could not concentrate on the task at hand. Next time, I’m just going to follow your fantastical flow chart and order in.
You are some kind of fantastic genius.