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900-YUR-HOME (or SAHP*rn)

    YUR HOME,This is Fred speaking

    Yeah. Hi Fred. Make it quick–the kids are watching Wubzy.

    You are at the wine bar with your girlfriends…

    Faster, Fred. I’ve only got a few minutes.

    The attractive waiter arrives with your Grey Goose martini, up, two olives. It’s 2-for-1 Grey Goose martini, up, two olives night.

    Yes, Fred, Yes!

    He brings an amuse bouche (FREE FOOD) involving butter and truffle oil

    Oh. My. God. Don’t stop

    Your best friend mentions seeing your exboyfriend at a wedding. He asked about you. He no longer has any hair on his head, but a very long woolly beard.

    Focus, Fred.

    He still wants you. Everyone wants you! But you go directly to your own master suite for the weekend and sleeeeeeeep ALONE in a king-sized bed.

    YES! YES! YES!

    You are interrupted only for room service, a yet-to-be-invented instantaeous painless permanent entire body unwanted hair removal process, hot stone massages, and by your complimentary stylist bringing you complimentary outfits.

    AND THERE ARE NO CAPRI PANTS ANYWHERE IN SIGHT. RIGHT, FRED? I LOOK AMAZING, DON’T I FRED? YUR AMAZING. FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED!

    Your husband calls. His parents are taking the children. For a week. He cannot wait to watch When Harry Met Sally with you for the 387th time.

    YESYESYESYES!OH DEAR JEEBUS CRYBUS! DON’T STOP DON’T EVER STOP
    He has cleaned the house, settled all your finances, and finished all his DIY projects.

    UhhhhhhhhhhhhhAHHHHHHHHHHHHHOoooooooooooooHHHH

    The two of you are going to revisit your honeymoon in ParadiseInPoverty, Mexico. First Class. Without the Montazuma-tainted Puerto Vallarta excusion this time, but WITH your brand. New. IMAC.

    VVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOoooooomMM
    Ma’am? Are you okay? Hello?

    [steaming Croc treads to the door] Dial tone.

    ###

    Thanks to everyone who left a comment for last week’s giveaway. Wish I had a few more books to giveaway, because it was very hard to choose. Aliceson won the signed copy of Pacify Me. Spencer and Beth won Yiddish for Babies. Please email me at annsrants@yahoo.com with your mailing addresses. Congrats!

    0 thoughts on “900-YUR-HOME (or SAHP*rn)”

    4. Spencer L Casey

      That was AWESOME. And I”m not just saying that because you gave me a book. Well, a little. But still, great post. I’ve been to ParadiseInPoverty, Mexico. We loved it and will never, ever go back. My wife’s already guilt-ridden enough. She doesn’t need any more. 🙂

    6. Beth

      Was it as good for you as it was for me?

      And I’m SO EXCITED about winning a book! It may be the biggest thing I’ve won since I won that CB Radio back in ’77.

    16. Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub

      Omg…. Do you want to know what I thought of when I read that? The fact that they messed up our room at the Hilton and we had to share that massive king-sized bed. And that I never would’ve even known you were in it once we got in. 😉

      Thank God Fred didn’t call or things might’ve gotten a little awkward! VrrroOOoOOOOoOoOoOooom! 😉

    25. Tracy

      A whole bed all to yourself? And I bet you didn’t have to shake out the sheets to dislodge half a dozen hot wheels and a pint of legos before crawling in, too.

      Swooon.

    29. Joanie M

      OK, I can’t read this stuff when I’m home alone. It just isn’t the same. sigh…. maybe I can pop over to John’s for a bit before work today.

    30. Deb

      did you get a new url? i totally stumbled across this after thinking you had stopped blogging!

      happy new year, you sahp*rn kitten!

    31. Bejewell

      As I was reading this, the Bean was in the other room watching Wubzy. Weird. I think that makes this post MY porn.

      Conclusion: I am more pathetic than you.