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December 2010

Declaration of (MY) Independence

    The Unanimous Declaration of the Umpteenth day of Winter Break When, in the course of December, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the supervisory bands which have connected them with other smaller people, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal morning and lunch hours to which the laws of sanity and of sanity’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of parentkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all parents… Read More »Declaration of (MY) Independence

    Know what I’m thinking, Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Goddamned Broomstick?

      Know what I’m thinking, Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Goddamned Broomstick? I’m thinking hummus. I’m thinking why did they have to get rid of the beluga lentils? I’m thinking where the hell are the fruit leather ends-n-pieces this week, and will I leave the store with a child hopped up on 23 organic lollipops, parum-pa-pumpum. I’m not thinking PLEASE PUNCH ME IN THE SEPTUM WITH YOUR FLAVORED-COFFEE-MINUS-THE-COFFEE BULLSHIT. I’m not thinking IT’S ONE PM AND WHERE IS MY VENTI DOSE OF CINNA-SMACK? Nor am I thinking I CANNOT CONTINUE MY DAY UNTIL THOSE BATH AND BODY WORKS… Read More »Know what I’m thinking, Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Goddamned Broomstick?

      Blissdom Needs More Cowbell! Please come.

        I’d like to personally invite you all to Blissdom. I’m speaking in Nashville and it will be even better if you’re there to support me in moving my mouth. Will you come? I’m honored to announce that I’ll be joining two incredibly smart and talented blogger/writers– Megan Jordan of Velveteen Mind and Rita Arens of Surrender Dorothy— for this Wisdom Workshop panel: (from the website) Editing Salon: Celebration of the Life and Martyring of Words As writers, we nurture intense attachment to our words. As great writers, we need to learn to get over it.… Read More »Blissdom Needs More Cowbell! Please come.

        Tips for Handling Holiday Stress

          I skipped last week’s PTA meeting. It featured a guest speaker with tips to reduce holiday stress. I thought the best way to reduce my stress was to skip the PTA meeting. I’m guessing you missed it too, except for maybe you, Kate. Kate and I see each other on both Column A and Column B mornings. But now that it’s “only eyeballs” weather here in Wisconsin, we barely see each other at all. In fact I can only hope that the boy I buckle in at preschool pick-up is Four, and that when we… Read More »Tips for Handling Holiday Stress

          Lynda Barry Chickens Winner!

            Congratulations to ANNA SEE of An Inch of Gray, winner of the Lynda Barry book “Greatest of Marlys” AND 12 LIVE CHICKS (a starter flock to donate to a needy family afflicted with HIV/AIDS). Anna please email me at annimig@yahoo.com with your shipping address and phone number for the book and chickens. No need to compost any more! (No, you will not actually receive the chicks.) Thank you to Oxfam for encouraging charitable giving this season with your too-sexy-for-faux fur-Hidalgo and his Oxfam Collection. Thank YOU, readers, for all your hilarious middle school wish list… Read More »Lynda Barry Chickens Winner!

            Monday Morning Flow Chart

              Successful Monday OR Shame Spiral 6:20 Respond to awake child. 6:20 Cover head with pillow and spew “TEEE VEEE. GEHHHT OUUUUT” 6:30 Put on pants and engage in proper washing, brushing, deodorizing and scare-reduction/concealing efforts Z 6:40 Make 1st of 5 cups of DECAF. DO NOT TURN ON COMPUTER. Z 6:50 Stir porridge whilst listening to child laying Lego weapons down, declaring peace for all Lego eternity. DO NOT TURN ON COMPUTER, instead sing 60’s anti war ballad “Last night I had the strangest dream.” Child hums, sways, nods knowingly. ZZZZZZ 7:00 Receive toussle-headed second… Read More »Monday Morning Flow Chart